Jessica Simpson, judgement in question

Welcome to What The Fuck?! Wednesday, gang! Each Wednesday between now and the Zombie Apocalypse I’ll be covering a different story that was wince-worthy enough to make me say WTF?!

Today we have a doozy!

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you:

SIMPGAN!

Evidently, the folks over at OK! Magazine have discovered that Jessica Simpson (yes THAT Jessica Simpson) has been tied to musician Nosferatu dancing-muppet H1N1 was created in a government lab guy “spiritualist” Billy Corgan.

I want you to read that again. Jessica Simpson…Billy Corgan.

What. The. Fuck?!

I’m aware of the phenomenon of cute girls wanting to get with musicians they wouldn’t otherwise give the time of day to, simply because of some type of inferred “bad-boy” status that comes with having a guitar strapped to them, or a microphone in front of their face. I get that. Hell, I’ve been party to that. What I don’t understand about this supposed tryst is this guy with this girl.

One one hand you have Jessica Simpson, slightly dingy, a little country, and cute in a (despite her efforts to the contrary) wholesome girl-next-door type of way. Oh, and she, evidently has a stinky ass and doesn’t know what Chicken of the Sea is. Which is all totally acceptable because sometimes she snorts when she laughs, and that’s just adorable, am I right fellas?

Billy Corgan and a former "conquest"

Then there’s William Patrick Corgan. Fucker of Courtney Love, wearer of Helllraiser-esque flowing black gowns, perpetrator of some of the most awful commentary this series-of-tubes called the Internet has to offer and maker of music bad enough to have gotten him fired by Sharon Osbourne. A man legendary in his need to control those around him. A man who fancies himself as a digital svengali, perpetrating psuedo-spiritual nonsense on Twitter. But he does, evidently, play music from time to time. Rock music. And he sings, sorta. He also proves that there is no worse zealot than a recent convert, but that’s quite beside the point.

Together, these two make up SIMPGAN.

Personally, I blame Jessica’s sister Ashlee (of botched lip-sync and jig-dancing fame) who, I’m told, is currently married to chronic over-sharer and supposed erstwhile bad-boy Pete Wentz. I’m guessing there were just far too many gushing conversations regarding how AMAZINGLY-ZOMG-AWESOME the hibbity-dibbity (read: fucking) was with a “rocker.”

Poor soft-headed Jessica was bound to fall prey to that kind of talk. Who could have thought she would fall this far though?

Was Hep-C factory Kid Rock simply unavailable for Jessica? What does Billy bring to the party by way of Tila Tequila’s nether-regions?

The world may never know. Hopefully.