A smiling goat, what else?

This isn’t really a newsworthy event that happened, or celebrity news, or anything all that interesting, actually. But it is the thing that’s made me say “WTF?!” in my head for at least a couple of weeks, so you’re getting it. I’ve avoided exploring my internal dialog, my head-noise, on this site for many reasons. Not the least of which is that it is mostly negative, and I think my level of negativity is unhealthy for me, and mostly boring for other people. Folks just don’t want to hear it/read it/be around it. I don’t blame them. Frankly, I don’t want to be involved with any of that, either; I don’t really get the luxury of choosing, though. Which is why I usually just keep it to myself, barring 140-character spurts on Twitter that tend to come infrequently. So, for the three of you who read the things I write on this site, I’ll say in advance: I’m sorry.

About five years ago, I walked out of the last job I had. I’d worked there for over a year, hadn’t received my benefits, or gotten a raise, and they’d let my one-year contract expire without even noticing. I thought I was walking in to a sweetheart gig with Dani where we were going to rework this retail business on behalf of our Small Business Management instructor from CSN. He just adored D and vaguely knew who I was (to this day he remembers her, but doesn’t recall me other than my association with her.) As soon as we got to the negotiating table the deal fell apart. I’d been talked up and had my confidence boosted enough that I actually believed that I could make a living doing the things I was doing anyway: fixing people’s computers and networks and generally consulting on all things tech. I had a couple of regular clients (ex-coworkers) who were looking to break away from my old employer and start their own business. I helped them outfit their home office and began getting them up to speed. They were completely horrible clients. Demanding, niggardly and with bad interpersonal skills. This was a pattern that would continue until late last year when I finally lost my last client.

This whole time I kept repeating to myself the mantra that was instilled in me during business classes “Fake it ‘till you make it.”

I’d figured that the people who had imparted this little tidbit to me knew something I didn’t, that they’d “been there done that” and had come out the other side of the crucible with some hard-fought knowledge. I was wrong.

To be clear: I have never faked any of my technical know-how or skill-set. I have the certifications and references to back all of that up. What I did fake was success, and the confidence that comes with it. That things were going well, and that I had plenty of (paying) clients. If you had asked me how “things were going,” I’d inevitably reply “AWESOME!” I’d then detail all the work that I wasn’t doing. I was faking it until I made it. I never did make it. I sure did do a bunch of faking it, though.

It doesn’t help matters that I’m a particularly good liar. I’ve had training in it, and I’ve even studied the program that the dude Tim Roth’s character on “Lie to Me” designed. I’m good at it. I’ve even built out a framework for a Social Engineering curriculum that will probably never see the light of day. So it was exceedingly easy for me to fake it. Maybe too easy. My understanding of this ethos is that people will see your “success” and be drawn to it. They’ll say to themselves “self, we need to work with this dude, he’s got this shit on LOCK!” But nearly without exception what happened to me was more along the lines of “wow, we totally can’t even afford to work with this guy, he’s just too damn good.” People were intimidated, and assumed (wrongly, I might add) that my fees were out of their budget. For the record, I’ve had the riot act read to me by several other consultants in this town for not charging enough for my time. I’ve also never turned a potential client away for not having the budget to do a project. But, because of faking it, people assumed that I didn’t need any help, any advice, any work, and went on their merry way. Which is certain death for a business relying on word-of-mouth advertising.

Which is why I have an application waiting to be processed at the local Nerd Herd. And why that, as of now-ish, I don’t even claim to have my own business. I’m just an unemployed (and potentially unemployable) dude who took some really bad advice and decided to “fake it until you make it.”

Want some unsolicited advice? ‘Cause you’re going to get some anyway. Don’t do this shit. Don’t be like me, don’t fake it.

Be honest about the struggles of breaking out on your own, of going rogue and staying there. People may get sick of hearing about it, but fuck them. It isn’t about them, it’s about you, and making you into a success. Not a fake one, either. A real, honest-to-blaaag, success.