So I semi-jokingly leveled with some people tonight. After an academic club meeting where two new people received new wonderful padding for their collegiate resumes, I kinda lost my cool a little bit. I let fly with some truth telling that I already regret.

See, I was raised to be gracious to the point of fault. To let other people win, to give other folks what they want. And, frankly, it just hasn’t served me well. At 32 I’m an unpaid intern in a situation that is unlikely to allow me to pivot into a paid position. In the club, since I’m not a student I’m disallowed from holding an Executive Board position. Mind you I work my ass off no matter what position I hold. I always have. Again, it was how I was raised.

The truth is, though, I’m fucking tired of working for nothing. Of working for a “someday” that just isn’t coming.

So I told these people “You know, I’d really like to actually profit from something that I do, at some point.”

And then I got in my car and drove home. Almost immediately I felt completely terrible. Not just for my loss of composure, but because I just feel bad about wanting to gain from the things I do. It’s like if I’m not operating completely altruistically I’m a bad person.

I keep thinking about the interview that Jason Reitman did on Fresh Air where he talked about his wife. Essentially his wife is perpetually disappointed by life because she expects too much. Not that she’s owed anything, but she expects a whole bunch from people and from life. He based one of the characters in “Up in the Air” on her. I’m terrified that that will be my life. It already has been to some extent. I’m not terribly stoked on the idea of another 30+ years of feeling like this.

Also, can I just say that getting turned down for a job that you were literally stooping to get is one of the worst feelings, not like cancer or the death of a loved one, but it still sucks.

I’d just like to be able to live a life where I don’t have to depend on other people. Where I can pay my bills, live in a place that isn’t an apartment, and pay to replace things when they break, or wear out. I’d like to have some t-shirts that aren’t hand-me-downs, and more than two pairs of pants. I’d like to be able to go to the doctor and the dentist. I’d like to be able to say “yes” when people invite me to go to dinner.

More than anything, I’d like to not be perpetually disappointed by my life.

But, I’d settle for a steady job that isn’t too soul-destroying.

Scratch that. I’d just settle for work that paid me above $9, my last declarable wage.